I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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