piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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