I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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