I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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