shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
