we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
