I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
