The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
