I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
