last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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