apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
we're so committed to being not committed
I wear drunk well.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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