Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
