Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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