She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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