Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
