Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
