Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
