Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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