mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
