the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
