I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
