I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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