I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
