I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
