i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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