I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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