At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
