At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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