I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
