her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
