Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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