What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
