I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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