can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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