Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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