sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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