Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
