i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
