is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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