i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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