when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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