I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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