Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
