After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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