Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
