her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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