everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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