I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
