I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
