i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
